Butter, exercise go hand in hand

There are just some things I will never understand. Including myself.

For starters, why did I move our recumbent bike from an upstairs bedroom to the downstairs family room? The answer is simple: To watch TV while doing a boring workout on the bike. I’ll do anything to take my mind off the tedious, sweaty, heart-pounding routine of pedaling a bicycle that goes nowhere.

Here’s the part that makes no sense. With hundreds of channels from which to choose, I end up watching the Food Network. Even worse, I always watch Paula Deen. No knock on Paula. She is arrestingly charming. In case you never noticed, everything she prepares on her show contains no less than a stick of butter. Apple fritters in clarified butter. Couscous drizzled in butter. Tapioca pudding with a dollop of whipped butter. Check the top of Paula’s food pyramid, and you’ll find a Holstein dairy cow.

So there I am, pedaling my way to a heart-healthy lifestyle, yearning for one of Paula’s butter-laden pastries or casseroles. See the irony here? Since my bike has a dashboard similar to a Boeing 737’s, I can monitor my pulse, heart rate and when to begin my descent to the Minneapolis Airport runway.

My hourly energy output on the bike is usually around 540 calories. I can pretty much negate those 60 minutes of gut-busting cycling by simply taking 3 bites of anything that was made by Paula Deen. That might include deep-fried stuffing-on-a-stick that her guest, former Chicago Bears football player William “Refrigerator” Perry, was making for Thanksgiving. Kermit the Frog was her other guest on the episode. I was fully prepared to watch Paula roll poor Kermie in flour and bread crumbs then toss him in a skillet of hot butter. “Dance, frog, dance,” she might chirp in her buttery Southern drawl. Kermit’s rainbow connection nearly became a cuisine connection.

Here’s another thing I don’t get. I bought a $12 umbrella recently that came with a limited lifetime guarantee. Who on earth ever has an umbrella long enough to need a guarantee, let alone for eternity? You know the drill. You buy an umbrella, use it one time and leave it at a restaurant. End of story.

I read the fine print. The guarantee does not cover loss or abuse. Here’s what else this limited lifetime guarantee does not cover: “the fabric, case or handle … or damage caused by failure to allow the umbrella to dry in an open position.” What else is there that can go wrong with an umbrella? If water damage negates the umbrella’s guarantee, why bother? Oh, and be sure to hold on to your original store receipt. You’ll need that and $2 to cover shipping and handling.

Finally, I’m shocked to hear about the current Eggo waffles shortage that occurred when recent flooding and equipment problems at Kellogg’s waffle plants created the perfect storm for waffle rationing.

Poor Paula will have to slather her butter on something else for the time being.

Hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5-10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID. Contact him at Heymikey@aol.com.