Chew-chew on this: Celebs going off the rails

Fame may be fickle, and often fleeting, but acting crazy isn’t just the role of a lifetime for some celebrities. It’s their bread and water. Oops, I meant butter.

Just ask singer R. Kelly.

The Grammy-winning R&B star is the latest celebrity to publicly implode, thanks to videotapes and a very patient, if not frightened, Gayle King.

The CBS newswoman was interviewing Kelly and faster than you can say “Crisis Coach,” the singer, famous for “I Believe I Can Fly,” was flying alright – zigging and zagging around the room, thumping his chest and spewing expletives like a cussing Tommy gun. If sweat were a sexy commodity, not to mention the key to a solid defense, Kelly should bottle his and sell it.

This, following more charges and allegation that Kelly allegedly has a bit of a rep for not treating women very well. So concludes the understatement portion of this article.

Hot on the stiletto heels of the Netflix documentary, “Surviving R. Kelly,” the 52-year old is fighting off the press with newspapers, figuratively, of which he’s the headline. Irony like this is made up by people like me.

Kelly said he did the interview because his spirit told him to. If I ever did an interview like that, it would be spirits, alright. Probably whiskey.

Now, Kelly has gone and joined that awful club. The loco-motion express.

Charlie Sheen and his tiger blood, live-in goddesses and eternal “Winning!” mantra seems so tame compared to Kelly’s alleged misogyny. And profuse sweating.

And Tom Cruise’s now infamous couch jumping on the “Today” show some years back? I’ll bet he was just fluffing the pillows.

Now I’m not saying that anyone here is certifiable. They just act.

Out of it.

Remember Michael Richards? “Seinfeld’s” Kramer? During a stand-up comedy routine, he dropped a few salacious words that would have made Eddie Murphy and Richard Prior say, “What did that white guy say?”

Richards is currently residing in the “where are they now?” file.

Speaking of biting Evander Holyfield’s ear off (nice segue, huh?), boxer Mike Tyson subscribed to his own food chain mentality by threatening to eat Lennox Lewis’ children. Whatever happened to just having some chicken before a bout?

Robert Downey Jr. is now “Iron Man.” Years ago, he was that creepy guy sleeping in his neighbor’s daughter’s bed. The Amway salesman is looking pretty good right about now.

Before she was the ex of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton and walked around wearing a vile of his blood around her neck. French kissing her brother on the red carpet seems kind of normal, comparatively.

Popstress Britney Spears is now enjoying a residency at a Las Vegas hotel. Years ago, she was shaving her head and umbrella-fencing with cars.

Miley Cyrus. Have you seen the new Vanity Fair? The former Hannah Montana star is pictured wearing nothing but a metal-banded blouse. Think Knights of the Wrong Table.

Sometimes it’s not in the behavior that makes you want to scratch your brain with a car antenna. The proof is in the quote.

Guns ‘N Roses singer Axel Rose on relationships: “It’s really hard to have a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow you to be with other people.”

Sienna Miller on cigarettes: “I love them. Love them. I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is.”

Justin Beiber on positivity: “Don’t know what it was about 2nite. I just felt like a baby bunny smelling a spring flower. Felt good. Like salt and freshly baked bread.”

Gwyneth Paltrow on epiphomes: “I’ll never forget it. I was starting to hike up the Red Rocks, and honestly, it was as if I heard the rock say, ‘You have the answers. You are the teacher.’ I thought I was having an auditory hallucination.”

Mike Tyson (again) on fame: “I might fade into Bolivian.”

We should be so lucky.

George Pelletier may be reached at gpelletier@nashuatelegraph.com.