Color Me Playmate: The Questionnaire

It’s been seven months since Playboy founder Hugh Hefner went to that big Playboy Mansion in the sky- or at least to the smog that hovers over Los Angeles.

So now, inspired by a captain’s hat, ascot, silk pajamas and Fred McMurray pipe, I shall do the unstoppable: answer my own Playmate questionnaire.

No fanfare, no tassels, no airbrushing, and no staples in the centerfold:

Guilty pleasures: Drunk dialing my parole officer; binge watching Russian Television episodes of “The Apprentice”; going through Customs while smuggling Fruit (of the Loom underwear); asking for “extra happy” with my McDonalds Happy Meal; going to the Dollar Store, holding up several items, and one at a time, asking the clerk, “How much is this?”

Ambitions: To become a Mob wife; to run through the sprinklers in my office building; study professional pole dancing; make toilet paper origami; mount a moose (on my wall); buck the system analysis guy.

Best Concert: “The Wiggles Perform Pink Floyd’s The Wall (that I wrote on with Crayon),” and “Paul Anka and Neil Sedaka Play Vegas: The Bland Ambition Tour.”

Favorite Books: “Strangers Have The Best Candy,” “Last Chance At Love: Terminal Romances,” “How To Raise Your I.Q. By Eating Gifted Children” “How To Avoid Huge Ships,” “Bombproof Your Horse,” “Everything I Know About Women (I Learned From My Tractor)”; “A Passion For Donkeys,” “How You Can Bowl Better Using Self-Hypnosis.”

Favorite Movies: “Ghost In The Invisible Bikini,” “Rat Pfink A Boo-Boo,” and “Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, (They charge an arm… and a leg!)”

Favorite Foreign Films (Translated from their country): “Leaving Las Vegas,” (China: “I’m Drunk and You’re a Prostitute,”); “As Good As It Gets,” (China: “Mr. Cat Poop,”); “The Parent Trap,”(Germany: “A Twin Seldom Comes Alone,”); “Grease,” (Argentina: “Vaseline,”); “Home Alone,” (France: “Mom I Missed The Plane,” “Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs,” (Israel: “Falling Falafel,”) “The Producers,” (Italy: “Please Do Not Touch The Old Women.”)

Favorite TV Shows: “Penitents Compete,” “The Real Housewives of Fertile, Iowa,” “Naked And Afraid (Of The Naked Guy,”) “Flea Circus Of The Stars,” “Who Wants To Marry A U.S. Citizen?”, “Wolfboy: Divorced and Looking for Love,” and “Jersey Shore Season 28: The Sans-a-Belt Pants and Metal Detector on the Beach Years.

Sports Played: Mattress Polo, Indoor Lawn Jarts, Human Jenga, Professional Wife Carrying, Extreme Ironing, Lingerie Football, Ultimate Tazering.

Pets: Spiders, termites, roaches. (Oops, I thought it said ‘Pests’)

Foods I crave: Haggis, mini marshmallows sans hot chocolate, and the McRib

People I Admire: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Ruth Gordon, Ruth Buzzi

Jobs Before Modeling: Gong Farmer, Digital Overlord, Wizard/Mall Santa/Rasputin Impersonator, Retail Jedi, President Clinton Intern

Songs I love To Sing: “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly,” by Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty; “Get Your Biscuits In The Oven and Your Buns In The Bed,” by Kinky Friedman; “Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth ‘Cuz I’m Kissing You Goodbye,” by Ray Stevens; “If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low,” by Lewis Grizzard; “Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head),”by Homer and Jethro; “My Everyday Silver Is Plastic,” by Red Murphy & Co.; and “My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart,” by Brother Billy Bob Bohannon

In the Morning: I hit the snooze bar.

Good First Date Idea: mall power walking, showing Your latest intestinal X-Rays using a PowerPoint Presentation, slam poetry readings, shopping for cars, dropping hints in an exercise class.

Best Life Advice: “Never do a whole job when a half job will do,” “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups,” and “If you can’t say something nice, say something clever and devastating.”